Fat, pudgy, curvy, overweight, plus size, thick, wide-load. These are just a few of the names I'm used to being called or calling myself by.
I am NOT an inspiration. Don't get me wrong, I love when you tell me that I am. But not because I believe it, not for a minute, but because the fat chick inside me (oh who am I kidding she's still clearly visible on the outside too) she lives every her life knowing that if she can make a difference in just one life, that will be enough.
I am NOT an inspiration. I still weight 279 pounds after losing 50. (Feel free to do the math, its a number I am hugely ashamed of but if it can make one person feel better about themselves, its worth it.) I am still technically morbidly obese. Suggested weight for a female of 5'11'' vary some but the average top end of the range is about 175.
I am NOT an inspiration. My goal weight is 199. Someone questioned why that was ALL I wanted to lose. But I'd be beyond f-ing happy to be 25 pounds over weight. My inner fat chick, refuses to give up occasional treats or live in the gym to fit some medical chart ideal.
I am NOT an inspiration. I have days when getting out of bed to workout is simply beyond me. I slam the alarm off and sleep for two extra hours. When I do make it I feel amazing, when I don't I feel guilty.
I am NOT an inspiration. I still take my kids to McDonald's about once a week and make processed crap for dinner. I work full time, we have a crazy schedule and I HATE to cook! But I buy a TON more fresh fruits and veggies now. I actually ENJOY a good salad and so do my kids.
I am NOT an inspiration. I signed up to do a 5K and finally attempted to walk this on the treadmill this week. I barely made it half way and my shins still hurt two days later.
I am NOT an inspiration. I am a fat girl who has spent her entire life dealing with her emotions, good bad or otherwise, with food. I am a mom who let herself get too unhealthy to do the things she wanted with her kids and FINALLY said 'Enough!'
I am NOT an inspiration. I am just a girl who's spent her life letting fear control her. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown and fear of what others will think. I'm just a girl who became too afraid of what would happen if I didn't try to worry about the rest.
I am NOT an inspiration. I am the daughter of a victim of breast cancer who spent years knowing that her weight only made her crazy high risk rate even higher. Selfishly putting off doing something to change that despite having three very noisy reasons not to wait another minute.
I am NOT an inspiration. I am an unbelievably lucky person who is surrounded by friends and family who have been kind and supportive the last 5 months as I work to slowly undo a lifetime worth of damage.
I am NOT an inspiration. I am an addict. I was, am and always will be addicted to food. As with any addict, this will never change. I might not have to sneak into a dark alley to feed my addiction, or fear arrest but my addiction is just as ugly and damaging to my body.
I am NOT an inspiration but I would LOVE to walk along side of you if you are on this same journey to get and stay healthy. It's really about so much more than just the food and the exercise. It's about learning to be ok with who I am, fat or not. And I am so thankful for all of those people in my life who are there to cheer me on.
I am NOT an inspiration but I will gladly cheer you too!!
Edited to add:
Thanks for the kind words but this was NOT meant to be a plea for affirmation. This pouring out of my heart was really about hoping that those who struggle would understand they aren't alone. That ANYONE can do this if they want to. I don't want people to feel like I am some amazingly strong person for doing this. I am beaten and broken too. But its all about forward progress. If you are wanting to make a change, stop letting others or yourself convince you that you CAN'T because if I can do this...YOU CAN DO THIS!